The Reality Of My Freshman Year Of College
As fun, amazing, and freeing as college is, the reality of it, quite simply, hits you like a bus. This past school year I have been attending the University of St Thomas is St Paul, MN as a freshman. Over the past 7 months, it has become clear the effects that COVID had on the class of 22’, or simply the effects of mental health, being independent, and the all around strive to be perfect while we juggle 16 college credits. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, however I never pictured myself moving home after spring break and finishing my classes online.
Going into freshman year for me was exhilarating, yet extremely lonely. While most of my friends knew at least one person from our small hometown and graduating class of around 170, I knew no one. I moved to a completely new and unfamiliar area and had no choice but to be outgoing and try to befriend the girls who I saw as better than me. While I did meet a lot of really nice people, I found that I was constantly thinking about the difference between being genuine and fake towards others. I had a lot of experiences with both kinds of people. My roommate is one of the most genuine people I have ever met, but at the same time no one talked to each other in my classes, no one left their door open the first week of school, and it became clear that the groups that we formed during welcoming days were the groups that people stuck to. Once you established that group, there was no finding other people; you were sort of stuck. I tried for a long time to reach out and connect with others, and while I did make friendships that I am so grateful for, I never found my person like so many other people did. It also become very clear to me the difference in your appearance on social media compared to real life. There were multiple times people had texted me saying how happy they were for me, and how I looked like I was doing so well and had made so many amazing friends. When in reality, I only put out the good parts of my experience and hid the bad parts. And while doing that is completely okay, it gave me a new perspective on social media and made me realize that while someone may look okay, that doesn’t mean they are okay. And I think that’s a very important concept to grasp and understand as we mature and grow older.
At the end of the day, I simply just don’t think UST was for me and that’s totally okay. I’ve had the time to grieve it and come to terms with how things ended. I look back and I don’t regret anything. I am so appreciative for my time there and the people I did meet and nothing will change that. With summer starting and everyone coming home, I’ve had the opportunity to talk to a lot of hometown friends and their experiences freshman year. Some good, some bad, and a few very similar to mine. I found myself smiling as friends were telling me their funny stories and showing me their friend group, and I also found myself sad and sympathetic towards those who went through similar situations I did. My biggest takeaway after hearing about everyone’s year is that you HAVE to do what’s best for you. If you aren’t happy, make a change so you CAN be happy again. While leaving school was so hard for me, I now have clarity and can tell you with all honesty that I was not happy there.
Comparing myself right now to February, my level of joy, humor, strive, and strength, is 10 times what it was. But don’t get me wrong, figuring out what is best for you is really really tough. It took 5 months for me to finally know for certain that my anxiety increased to such a severe state because my body was trying to tell me that something wasn’t right. And while my parents could see that before I could, you have to get to that state of acknowledgment before you can let go and heal. If you take away anything from hearing about my experience, I hope it’s that you trust me when I promise you, you will figure it out. It may take time and a lot of hard days, but you will figure it out. Everything happens for a reason and I know that my experience only gave me more strength and allowed a lot of self discovery to take place. As I go forward into this new chapter of my life (again), I know what happiness looks like, I know what true friends look like, I know how to figure out what is working for me and what isn’t, I know how to communicate my feelings with others, I know the effort it takes to go out and meet new people, I know all of that now. And I will use what I know for the rest of my life. Everything is a learning experience, and everything happens for a reason.